A couple years ago I checked my email, and there it was, a rejection on my book. I shook it off, glad I’d read the acceptance for short story first. A week passed. Without warning, discouragement struck, like a physical blow, making it hard to think. I wanted to reach out, but I felt powerless. I couldn’t even string enough words together to pray more than "God, help me." No one thing triggered the attack, and I can’t say I haven’t felt like that before, but the intensity nearly took my breath away. Intrusive thoughts told me I was worthless.
For two hours I tried not to cry. I tried to pray more than three words at once. Solomon’s words from Ecclesiastes echoed in my mind: “There is nothing new under the sun, everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” I felt his words in a new way that night. I would have prayed more, but I felt like I wasn't worth God's time and attention. I was too insignificant.
My husband came home from a meeting and listened, as I told him about the oppressive feeling. He listened and hugged me. I was able to pray more than a few words after that. We went to bed with the residue from the deep discouragement still invading my thoughts. I recognized the emotion as something that didn't belong in my mind.
The next morning, I woke up still feeling the weight of discouragement on my head. I got ready for work and kept in constant touch with God. He took the weight away gently, one pebble of darkness at a time. The process took three hours before I was left feeling free. I could smile again without difficulty.
I brushed off the whole experience. Four days later I sat in church like nothing had happened until I saw the sermon title: “What are you worth?” I honestly don’t remember what the pastor said that day. For me, the message was simple, I was worth a lot. My life touches every single person I intersect on a daily basis. I have a unique impact to leave, as does every person who draws breath every day. I’m a writer, God can use my words to reach out to other people whether I’m there or not. This is such a precious gift He has entrusted me with.
I stood singing a worship song next to my mom in church. I closed my eyes and concentrated on words I can no longer remember. I bowed my head and that’s when I felt the coat draped over my shoulders, and my mom’s head rested there too. I opened my eyes and glanced over, no one was touching me and there was no coat. I closed my eyes again and knew what I felt were angel wings wrapped around me, comforting me. God deems me, His daughter, worthy of protecting and loving. He deems me worthy of forgiving. Though I still struggle with doubts, discouragement, and feelings of worthlessness, I know I am worthy of being wrapped in angel wings.
More than that, every person is just as worthy. Whatever struggle the day brings, we have to hold on to hope. We have to remember we are worth being wrapped in angel wings and hugged by the God who created us. We are each worthy of being called His sons and daughters. Just because He loves us and created us for a purpose.
So, what are you worth?